Dear Diary,

ok, so yesterday I was happier, today my life suddenly went to shit.

So, last night started good, i found a cool outfit and started drinkin, and got pretty drunk....then the girl i hate whom i have had constant problems with because of her and Clint walked in the door of the party.

I can't believe she had the audacity to show up, and i was sittin on the couch drinkin at the time, and like i swear..half the eyes in the room turned to me to see my expression. I knew everyone was looking at me and all i could do was semi-smile in amusement and anger.

You see this girl and i HATE each other and I almost got in a fight with her outside a bar a couple on months ago cause she called Clint and told him i was totally making out with some guy at the bar which was SO not true, and then her stupid friend told me what she did, and i got super pissed ontop of the fact that i was already super-drunk!

But she has been nothing but super-bitchy and she is jealous of mine and Clint's relationship. Clint is so non-confrontational, and he doesn't like her, but he is afraid to stand up to her, and we almost broke up because i told him to say something to her and get her the fuck out of our business or i was sayin goodbye to him.

He might have said something, but i think he probably didn't...he just didn't make an effort to talk to her, therefore the drama subsided for a while, but then she showed up and i was so pissed! Luckily, before i could think too much about my plan of action, she and her gay-ass fat friend decided to leave and go downtown...LuCKy for her cause i was seriously planning my bitchy-fight strategy over there on the couch, and Clint was so worried that i was beyond pissed. The funny thing is, that i told him she better not show up just out of the blue a couple of days before the party...so he knew i was angry about it.

But luckily, that crisis was slightly averted....BUT THEN.....

So, out of no where, Clint gets super drunk, and i guess decides he wants to make up for that whole incident with that girl. Well, he decided to become TOTALLY uninhibited PornStar Clint...and we have the most fuckin amazing sex i think i have ever had in my whole damn life!!

Seriously, we had sex for 2 1/5 fuckin hours!! 2 and a damn half!! Non-stop, and it was fuckin crazy....this boy who is so shy and conservative was fuckin talkin dirty to me, and just totally porn-starin it, and he was so into it, and i was like shocked!!!! I was sorta drunk, and so turned on by it because he NEVER is that cool. I have to make him get more into sex cause i am way wilder than him, but it was insane. I kinda felt intimidated by him at one point, and i was like WTF!!! I have NEVER in my life been intimidated by him cuz he's so whooped by me in our relationship, and it was straight out of no where....and i did things i have never done before with him because he was bein so fuckin pornstar about it all and i was so turned on, and like confused and whatever else i could be.

It didn't help that i was drunk, but we fuckin had sex like no tomorrow.....people outside kept knocking on the door cause we were sorta loud, then they all passed out. We had sex until 5am!! It was insane! and it gave me a WHOLE new appreciation of Clint! I was like what the hell, maybe this guy isn't such a shy loser afterall.

See, sex is important to me because damn---whoever u marry is gonna be the person ur gonna have sex with for the rest of your life, so it better be good or be gettin better at least. Anyway, i am still sorta shocked by the way he acted, and i loved it!! It was so cool and unusual for him, and i am still like in a high over it. I didn't come though...i was close, but i was kinda sore down there and it wasnt feelin so great and i knew i wouldn't come cause i never can if i am sore cause it's more pain than pleasure. So, anyway, it still rocked and he was so crazy! And i just cant express how unusual that is for him!

So, anyway, I am sore as hell and so is his dick so we decided we cant have sex for a few days, but damn...heres the bad news....yeah so, apparently in the heat of the drunken moment, at some point we lost the condom....yep...and i have been off birth control for some time (damn shit makes u GAIN weight and i cant have that!) SO that is bad!

He didn't come the whole time even though he was hard, but u know the whole pre-cum shit, and we did it for 2 1/2 hours, so i am afraid there was something there at one time that maybe got in me. So, now i am worried.

I don't know why we did it for so long, and i wouldnt freak cause he never came, but i am afraid of that pre-cum stuff. I kinda wanna not worry about it because i did suck his dick in between lots of positions so that kinda wipes it off right...and he did Never come....but then again...if some stuff did slip by, it's gonna be a bigger problem later.

IDK what to do. I can go to our College Health Center tomorrow and get the morning after pill, but i have never been there and u have to get an examination when u go, and then come back 4 weeks later for contraceptive counseling, not to mention who knows how much it will cost, plus it makes u sick.

I go to the gyno but not that one, and the examinations suck and i practically dread them all year, much less going to some random new one tomorrow!! I DONT wanna go at all! i dont wanna get up at 8am tomorrow and go up there lookin like a hoe after New Years Eve, and have those people judge me...PLUS another issue....i am about to seriously start fasting, and if i go back in 2 weeks, I will have probably lost a substantal amount of weight, and it sucks cause they have a whole Eating Disorder place in the same building, and I will be like the Poster-Candidate for an ED if I come back only 4 weeks later weighing so much different.... You know those clinic people, they will be giving me a hassle once they notice the weight change at the new checkup.

Gosh, this sucks so bad, and i feel ill now for some reason....my stomach is all in knots...Damn good sex with Clint!

i do not wanna go though, and then im all crazy thinking like, well if i dont eat for 2 weeks, theres no way if i was pregnant that the egg could even survive! Like, wouldn't it not develop since i was eating no food...that sounds terrible i know...but i AM not having a baby ANYTIME soon..hell i dont know if I EVER want to have kids...

I would get an abortion probably if i ever did get pregnant, but i dont know for sure cause its a big controversial decison, and i would only know if i was in the position, but i definitely do not want a kid! I might never want one! I'm just not the get-married, settle down and have kids kind of girl. I wouldn't care if I never got married and never had kids....it's not my goal, and i think those things just will weigh me down for what i wanna do with my life. If later, after i do what i want with my life, i have time, and it happens..then ok whatever, but no now..

ugh

such a shitty position....i am leaning towards not going though...and deal with it later cause i think the odds of me bein pregnant are slim, but then i think DAMn what if i was....that would suck so unimaginably terrible. I would freak the hell out.

ugh, tonight sucks....and i gotta decide before i go to bed if i am going or not. Clint think i should go to be safe, but thats damn EASY for him to say..hes not the one that has to go get felt up by a doctor and have them fuckin "finger" u and touch ur boobs etc....ugh i hate the check-ups!!

oh i dont know...damn my stomach is all in knots...i think i might have to puke...all this is makin me sick

:(

goodnight, i'll update later about what happens....but damn this sucks so so so so so so so so so so so BAD!!!!!

WEARING: ahhh

LISTENING TO: Third Eye Blind

MOOD: Sick and freakin the fuck out!