Dear Diary,

Damn....so I am now going to a big Keg Party at my boyfriend Clint's house, which means gettin shitty, and not bein able to start my fast today.

But there is one good thing, Clint is taking me out to eat at a fabulous restaurant, so since I haven't eaten all day waiting on what we were gonna do tonight, i am starvin and the food is gonna be SO good, but I'm gonna try to keep it low-cal, and get like veggies and water, and maybe grilled chicken, but still....yum! Cause I love this restaurant.....and then we are gonna get drunk tonight which is cool cause lol I like gettin drunk!

I don't wanna feel hungover tomorrow, but I have nothing to do so I guess it won't matter if I am. But this girl who Clint's guy-friend's girlfriend is coming, and she is like totally hot. Like she is a big rival for me as far as looks and diet etc...

I hate being around her, and I always feel inadequate around her, like I need to look hotter. She is so gorgeous though, and she is skinny and wonderful and it makes me look fat to be around her.

We do look kind of alike though, which is kinda the reason I have such a competition about it. People always mistake her for me etc. Lol, thats good though cause shes skinnier than me, although last time I saw her, she looked like she gained a few pounds.

Anyway, personally, I am prettier than her...or well I have better overall looks. I'm sorry, I don't want to be conceited, because she is definitely gorgeous, but she is more pretty girl type, and I am more like movie-star hot than she is. Idk, anyway I say that, it's gonna sound all full of myself, which i totally am not.

I was just blessed with good looks and sometimes I hate it because people judge you for that. Other girls think I am snotty or something, when truth be told, I am so self-conscious around anyone and everyone, and I don't FEEL beautiful at all. I sometimes feel like someone else should have been born with my looks, but I am glad I at least have that, or else I would be way worse off on my own.

But it's as much of a problem as it is a blessing. I don't like all the attention sometimes, although, the more fat i get, the less attention I get...so yeah thats painful to realize...but obviously it's been an eye-opener and I have been losing weight lately.

ANYWAY, past all that, I am freaked about what to wear to this party tonight because I gotta look totally hot, and I need to be drop-dead gorgeous, although I really feel about as pretty as crap right now. I wish I had already lost some weight or something and then I could feel a little bit better about dressing up, but instead I feel like I am just wasting another perfectly good diet day.

But, I do wanna drink tonight, especially so I can stop obsessing about how I look 24/7 and just have fun and relax.

Anyway, I gotta finish getting ready to go eat, and I am excited about having drunk sex with Clint cuz drunk sex is SO much fun!!! haha it is though! You can be wild and crazy and then not worry about it, and Clint is so uptight, but when hes drunk, he so much more fun, but he rarely gets toasted drunk.

Usually his stuff still works when he drinks too, so it's all good. Haha..i shouldn't share this, but once, i was so drunk, i PASSED out while havin sex with him....lol!! I thought it was funny cuz I remember feeling sick and tellin him i didn't really wanna have sex then cuz i might barf.

He is so funny about it though, he's like, " i didn't know i was that bad!!" It was funny though.

Anyway, i gotta get ready and then come back to the apt. and go through all my shit and find something fabulous to wear tonight...I'll let u know how it goes.

OH and JOIN the BDF LOSE WEIGHT CHALLENGE!!!!!!!

http://blondiegirl.proboards20.com/

WEARING: long black pants, dark green sweater

LISTENING TO: John Mayer 'Heavier Things'

MOOD: excited, nervous HUNGRY!