Dear Diary,

So i need to update yeah i know

its been a while, and yet i have no time EVER!! i am so busy

like even right now, i have to get up at 6:15 am tomorrow morning and it is already 1 am now!! Craziness!! I had to work on a painting in the Art building tonight though, and we have to have it almost completely finished by half of class tomorrow, so i have been painting for the last 3 1/2 hours!!

Yep, see craziness!! So, i have lots to say, and i just gotta get this out cause it is bothering me.

So yeah, i have to start a double major cause i am a slack-ass and am not sure what i want to do for my career in life and i just didn't work very hard to get into Graphic Design, and i , of course, didn't. Which i have kinda accepted my failures but i know i didn't give it 100%, Hell-- i don't think i gave it 75%, and i know i should have, but i don't know if thats what i totally want to do, so it's hard for me to put all my effort into something i may not even like.

So, anyway, now i am screwed and have to double major, which i "technically" don't think i am screwed cause i always wanted to double major anyway

like i said in a previous entry, i either wanna do:

Art Ed--to teach at college level later

Acting-Drama--always wanted to do it and think i could be good at it--i swear i have the imagination of a 5 year old!! i could so be someone else!

Journalism-Magazines, Be the editor of my own fashion/music magazine HeLL YeAh!

and thats pretty much it, but i haven't made a choice yet

BUT at dinner the other day, my dad who has ALWAYS criticized me mercilously tells me i have no confidence, and that there is no way i coculd be an actress because i am too fat!!! (can u believe he said this to his ED daughter!!!)

Yeah, me either, i practically died right there at the table, and there wa no way in hell i w as finishing the little and only one meal of the day i decided to eat with my family!!! I f elt so terrible, i cannot even describe it. I felt like dying 1000 times when he said that. It ruined everything for me! He's the reason i have never had self-confidence anyway. He always gives his opinion and forces it down our throats to me and my sister....he was never happy in his life, and now he is trying to tell ME how to be happy??? what the fuck?!?!?!?!

It's such crap, so now he says i can't be an actress because i am too fat for that. and it's not just him saying it, it was how he said it..like immediately No, and that was why...it was a mean stern statement or declaration, not even like a pithy comment, it was like a decree that i was fat and could never succeed.....can u imagine my horror?!? i mean seriously....not only do i have to hate myself for being fat, apparently i can never succed in life, and never be happy either; and not only do i just think that in my crazy head---My OWN father speaks it to me like its truth....so my theory is right...u can't be happy and be fat, but to hear it, to have someone cruely throw it at u in the open WHILE you are "dancing with the enemy" on your Very plate!!!! well, it was just unbearable!

i just wanna cry, i hate this battle, i hate hurting myself, and my body, but aren't i hurting it by eating? apparently my father agrees...and not only am i sad--it pisses me off!! It makes me angry for him to say things like that to me!!

It Fuels My ANA, and my disease to not eat and get as skinny as possible!

it makes me want to show him!

what can i do? i hate food, i hate that my body needs it or thinks it needs it...i never wanna eat again, but i always fall into social traps where i end up eating because my boyfriend or a friend or someone asks me to eat with them or go drink with them, and i give in and fail and hate myself afterward everytime.

I don't want people to think i have an issue, but if i don't start ignoring those people and just not eating for me, i will never lose the weight and get where i wanna be.

but what do i have to give up for that? i like alcohol, i wish i could just drink and fast and never get sick...lol ;)

Alcohol makes me lose inhibition and i forget things and always have a good time with friends...i don't drink a lot, and i don't have a problem with it...but on a weekend or so, i wanna be able to drink if a friend asks me to go out with them....but with ana that is a problem, and i don't know what to do about that because i am always afraid if i fast and drink i will just be insanely ill later or during!! So i always have to eat a little something which breaks my cycle and progress....yuck!

i don;t know, io have to figure out something soon

i am planning on not eating anything but cereal tomorrow as a really nice girl asked me to eat lunch with her friday afternoon and i must go...shes really sweet and lonely and i am surprised she asked me to go with her so i had to agree...so yeah can't start a fast now...but i totally intend to start Saturday...i just hate food---if people wouldn't innvite me to eat or drink, i would be fine, but such is college life

ugh

i gotta go to bed

it is so late

blick

ttyl