Dear Diary,

OK, so tomorrow i am starting a fast...

WEll, i have to probably drink this Saturday, but until them i am fasting, so i guess tecnically I am fasting with restriction as a my new diet plan.

I have been doing pretty good though. I've been kinda on and off with the fasting and restricting, and so far I've lost 11 lbs. and kept them off over time. So thats ok for not trying to hard.

But now, i gotta get serious.

I gotta get on the ball, and start taking this diet thing seriously. I know i wil have to eat a little something this Saturday though because it is Football Game Day for my college, and it is HUGE being an SEC school! So, we will tailgate and party and drinkand have tons of fun then, but i will have to eat a little something to keep from getting sick and too drunk too fast from not eating all week.

But after that, I should be good to go for the rest of weekend,and for the next week.

I have to be a lot smaller by Halloween, cause i wanna wear an awesome Halloween Costume (i.e.sexy, cool, and minimal clothing) So,thats gonna require me losing a good bit of weight.

I have other things I could wear as back-up, but as kinda my goal thing, i wanna try and reach to be able to wear that costume by Halloween. And if I reach my goal, I promise I will put a Halloween Costume Pic of me on here in my diary!! Thats extra motivation....but if i reach my goal, i'll gladly share my skinny pic on here...lol heres to hoping and a lot of restriction and fasting!!

I am beginning to really hate food. I hate it after and before and sometimes during the time i eat it. I like eating it, but then when and after i eat it, i feel crappy. Like that was so not worth the extra weight, or the stable weight i will have from today.

I just feel like lately, the food i have been eating wasn't really good enough for me to eat it. It wasn't worth wasting a good day of fasting and maybe losing a 1 lb. or 2. Hopefully, that feeling will continue and i will get by.

Oh, and everyone go to BLUEDRAGONFLY.ORG and go post on the messageboard. It's not very high-tech,but lots of anas and mias post on there, and it is very helpful.

I saw a bad pic of me today, and it has made my whole day crappy, and i just wanna never eat again.

It wasn't SO bad, but it still made me cringe that i looked like that in a photo!! I am usually so photogenic, but since i gained weight from college, i look like a cow! My pics are never good! I think it has something to do with the fact that i'm too overworried about my appearance or less involved in my appearance, idk??

But lately none of my pics have been good. And this one, ugh, yuck, i hate the way i look now. I don't understand why i just cant just never eat and get back to the way i was. It's like if u hate something so much, u think u could change it really quickly and fast because u want it so bad. But for some reason i can't do that.

I wish no one had ever told me an E.D or not eating was bad. Knowing that it is bad for me, and that it isa disease scares me from diving all the way into it b/c i have such good common sense and morals and i totally know better, and to give in would be to err in judgement. But i think sometimes, u need to let go and do some things to learn and reach ur goals regardless. I want to lose weightin any way possible, i don't like food or the way i look, so not eating seems like a good idea. I mean, i will , lose weight if i don't eat-thats a fact. So, why can't i just do it and commit to it. I go through a couple of days and then get the urge to eat and screw up, when i really don't want the food or the consequences from it.

Well, anyway, enough of that. I gotta get to bed. But tommorrow will start off right with some metabolite, water, and multi-vitamins.And then i will continue with water and maybe one more dose of meatbolite for the evening, and i'll be set.

Looking forward to maybe losing 10 lbs. by this weekend. It might/might not happen, but at least i'll lose some. Losing 10 lbs, would be a good jumpstart for me. Then I would feel a little closer to my first goal, and not so afraid to get in there and lose this weight!!

so many good things would be affected if i were skinnier, and i don't care how many people say that doesn'tmatter cause thats bullshit! I could wear tons of cute clothes to class, feel more confident, become more outgoing, have more friends, have more fun, meet more guys, have fun with my clothes, go shopping with friends, wear a bathing suit, and notbe afraid to do all the things i am when i look fat and feel terrible about myself...

sounds like reason enough for me, and definitely worth the change in my appearance no matter how i get there!!!

think thin everyone!!

ttysoon