Dear Diary,

ahh...

just moved into my new apt, and trying to get settled in

my nice but obsessive-compulsive cleaning roomate is kinda stressing me out, but other than that,,,it's cool

shes so nice, and sweet and WAY too tame for me. I feel like i can';t be myself and it is stressing me out so much!!

I like to be loud and outgoing, and party and stay up late and do whatever you feel like--spontanity is the spice of life!! but she is SO not like that--therefore i have to be quiet and boring....

She's one of those nice people that is so nice that you just can't hurt their feelings cause u know they'd never say anything anyway.

She is so laid back too, but i think that is just a facade cause when she was just talking to me--she seems really particular and nitpicky.

She's lived with the same girl for 3 years, and then that girl finally decided she wanted to do more than sit around and be boring, and broke out and partied, met friends and wanted to move out.

So my roomate was stuck, and my best friend didn't get into my college, so i was stuck too.

i just am a creative person, i am not incessantly clean, i do not like order, and i hate conformity! I just like to be able to have the freedom to put down a cup on a table and not worry about it as soon as i'm through! I don't mean i will leave it their for days, but dammit, i should have the freedom to leave it there until i feel like getting it that day!

My roomate like lines everything up and she cleaned the sparkeling clean kitchen twice yesterday!!! i was like, "what did she clean?"--"u could already eat off it?!!"

so i feel like i have to be psycho orderly, and it's not me...

i am a clean person, but not like that...

i'll leave my room messy for a few days, but i'll clean it up when i have free time like on the weekend, and then everything is fine....but damn her room is like it's not lived in!

i just feel like i am temporarily staying in someone elses house all the time and i cant mess anything up--and its so annoying!

She lived her before me, so it is really HER apt. and i can just go around changing everything.

i'm either gonna feel like this forever, or i'm just gonna bust out and be me and she will not like it.

i need a partying roomate---these are my last 2 years of college here, and i don't intend to spend them being so neat and perfect. u can be stupid and crazy in college and no one cares they say "oh those crazy college kids", but when u graduate and do the same thing you are then termed "irresponsible" and "immature"

so ya gotta get it all out now!

and i SO have not gotten it out!! i feel like ever since i started dating my boyfriend and now living here, that i have just been an old hag!! We never party, i never get to be wild and crazy, i don't get to talk to guys, i can't miss classes, and i can't be myself.

I feel like i am missing my college experience here. But i don't wanna make any rash decisons right now cause i don't know yet.

I gotta find some friends more like me and live this experience up. All my kinda friends are boring--except the sorority people....and i prob will party with them, but i still can't do much cause half of them are single and talk about guys and stuff and i have to be in the 'relationship'

i never wanted a relationship, i missed out on stuff in highschool being in a relationship, and damn if i'll repeat the same mistake!!

i got forced into the relationship i am in with my current boyfriend--hell he's about ready to get married to me--he's been in love with me forever, and i finally dated him, but now it's too serious, and i am freaking!!

We are such good friends, so i feel like i dont have to do anything, but he is getting deeper and deeper and my mom said i shouldnt lead him on....i kinda forgot that maybe i was leading him on....i thought we were just having a good time....and being friends...

but i cant break up with him--and what would that solve? i might be more miserable later...who knows?

i gotta way the options

he's a guy i could marry

but not right now

and i am not ready to be in that last long relationship right now, but if i break up with him--r the chances ruined?

idk

we are so different

but he is SO SO SO SO in love with me for some reason...

it WAS good sex, but now it sucks ass....he totally has not payed attention to MY pleasure at all----even after we discussed it as being a problem!!

so then i cut back on the sex, and he noticed, but didn't say much

and it's still a problem

i didn't go back and get more birth control this time cause i am not interested in sex with him right now, yet he still wants to

he has to know there is a problem!! i told him there was! i used to be all about sex with him...

me leading him on, it being his senior year, and the bad sex has made me just wanna end it, but theres so many outside reasons of why i can't

i have gotten in over my head

i don't know what to do

everything in my life now has something to do with him, and although i don't think i will care if we break up, he will!! and everything else dealiing with him will suffer!!

plus he would be so hurt

but hes denying the fact that we aren't right for each other

i told him i wanted 2 weeks away from him to see what i thought a long time ago, and he said ok then called me on the 2nd day saying he knew how he felt about me and didnt want to do it.

HELLLO!! was that not a sign ur girlfriend doesn't feel the same u do?!?! yet he ignores it--he ignores every problem we have

he prob knows this is coming eventually

u can't hold a caged bird down...i'm just not a relationship girl right now

i am looking for a guy, but just on the side of all my other things...

we have different plans for our lives, and we need to break up now, but i just dont know how i could do it

idk

i'll have to keep contemplating this

and we';ll see

ugh....writing usually makes me feel better, but now i just feel confused and agitated

ttyl