Dear Diary,

i am feeling shitty, very shitty. i hate myself.....i can't be positive, i hate the way i am, what i do, and how i feel all the time.

i don't like to be negative, but i am negative, i hate the way i look, and i hate myself because it's my own fault, i coculd do something about it but i don't; i try but it's not enough and i have to get over myself and just do it, but i have failed so far.

i think any normal e.d. girl would feel this way though before they go on Spring Break with a ton of model-skinny girls....yep i'm feeling the pinch now....

I knew this would happen, but why? why can't i just cross the line, jump over the fence, go that extra mile and just do the whole e.d. thing for total?!? And the bad thing is i know why i can't, i know exactly why.....

It's because somewhere there is that voice of reason and common sense and logic that tells me not to hurt myself, that thinks i have a value, and that wants to live and be normal....

I can't get past it, i get close, but only to fail and fall right back into place again....

it sucks

i wish i didn't know everything about dieting and e.d's etc, cause then maybe i could just fall blindly into it and succeed. BUT NO, i know what it will do, i know how it wil lmake me feel, and i know what i will have to give up, and i know that its too easy to fall into the downward spiral of it all....

See i want the perfect thing; i want to have the no-nonsence, no-problem E.D., where you can not eat, and not have to make up excuses and isolate yourself to get out of eating......and where it doens't harm your body, and then you can stop whenever you want and stay that way at that weight and live the rest of your life eating ok and somewhat normally.....

BUT that doesn't exist and we all know that..... But i do just wanna reach my goal and maintain....i don't wanna think the way i do now forever and ever for the rest of my life, BUT then you have the ultimate question:::

Do I want to think these crazy thoughts and look like i do now, fat and unhappy, OR do I want to be thin and skinny and still think the crazy thoughts but be happier cause i am somewhat thin and not as fat????

It's a question of what's the difference or the worth of one or the other....I know I can't stay the way i am now, but I don't know how to get over the hump and lose the weight for real. I can half-ass have an E.D......i mean, i can restict, and exercise and fast, but if I am not losing a lot of weight or becoming skinnier what does it prove?? nothing. i am doing nothing if i am not losing weight---nothing but physical and mental torture......

I mean, i lose some weight, and i keep some of it off, but then i'll gain a few, and it's like WTF?> so i go again, and then i get close to being full-blown e.d. and i have to stop and revert back to normal habits which ultimately make me gain the weight back...

It's like I know when I am getting close to actually being one of those girls, and i have to stop myself because i am too scared to keep going, and i am so afraid to get addicted to something because my nature for those things is very bad. I am so hard-headed, and i am only lucky i was taught very good common sense and morals, or else i would be dead or in a totally worse life then i am now.... Once I beleive in something, i don't let it go ever----it's a blessing and a sin in one.....it's great if it's something good for you, but if you add that hard-headedness and determination to something bad for you; it can be deadly..... I don't let things go....not if it's important to me....I'd rather die literally then let some things that i believe in go away....

And I know myself, and I am afraid that if I back the E.D. thing and like it, then i will never ever let go, and i will probably be the worst case to ever break in this world! I know you make think i am exaggerating, but i'm not. My dad could yell at me or spank me or whatever when i was little, and i wouldn't cry; it made me angry and i wouldn't cry.....It was a battle, and i was winning it cause they want you to cry and say your sorry, but i was never sorry or i would never show it...

My dad is happy i wasn't a guy, or else it coulda been worse--at least being a girl, i certainly had some emotional feelings..... But i remember the crazy determination i had when i felt like i was right and they were punishing me or whatever, and it was scary how rebellious i was......

And i remember all of that, and it scares me to think i could have that same defiance for an E.D. or something addicting......

but the common sense i was taught and learned knows that i should stay away and not get in so deep.....but 'if i don't get in the deep water, i can never learn to swim', right?

I can't lose all the weight and be skinnier if i keep doing this half-ass shit.....but i can't seem to accept that because i know better, and i wish i didn't so this would be easier...

and to make matters worse, i told u my best friend amanda has lost like a ton of weight

she used to not be fat, skinny by anyones terms, but kinda more athletically fit.....but she lost a lot of weight running her ass off in college basketball, and then afterwards, she didn't gain it back, and then she lost some more somehow, and she lost i would guess about 15-20 lbs. and she looks amazing, and she was always my friend who wasn't that skinny, but still normal. She wore like a size 7 and if you had seen her , you never would have thought she would wear anything smaller than a size 7 or something because her body type was just too big, but now since she lost that weight, she can wear a size 4!~! and she looks amazing.....like modelish body although she is still very athletic, but she could def model for any like bathing suit catalogs.....

and i am sad cause i we used to be kinda even cause she had a good body and i had the good face/hair ya know, and i didn't feel quite so bad since i sometimes got equal attention as her, but now---shes just way hot..and i am happy for her, but i feel shitty cause i am worse than before and i cant save face for that!

i never was in competition with her, but that was the one thing i had going for me, and now i just don't think it can even be enough, and she just looks awesome! i swear! it's so weird to see someone you know so well change so much for the better,and I TRULY am happy for her, but it's hard for me to be...

She talks about her pant sizes and about the weight she lost, and i nodd and smile and comment sometimes, but i secretly feel like screaming! I would've loved to have had her body before, and how do i feel when she talks about the saddlebag puges our very skinny other friend has in her bathing suit......The girl she was talking about wears a size 4 and has an awesome body, and amanda told me she told her that her bathing suit looked cute, even though she just said it cause she liked the suit even though she didn't look good in it..! That makes me feel shitty; i am gonna look like shit in my bathing suit, and i am dreading having to lay out!! i am not turning over, and i will not walk 1 foot without shorts on over my bathing suit!!

I'm just lucky, my weight just goes to hips and thighs and not all over, cause i am pretty narrow torsowise, so i can just wear shorts, but still....

How am i gonna feel if she looks at me, when shes critizing the size 4 perfect body girl!!

AND i just wanna be criticized too! i wanna be skinny enough for someone to even say that about me! I don't want them to feel sorry for me cause they like me as a friend and they just dont talk about me, but still....

i hate myself, i hate this, i hate having to eat, why can't i not eat, why do i have to feel so sick when i dont eat where i can't function and i have to eat, and then i splurge and i am back where i started, and why cant i just be skinny for once, why can't i just know what it's like and not have one more miserable spring break, why can't i fuckin see how this is affecing me, and how it will always be like this, i will always be fat if i dont change NOW!, why can't i get over the hump and just not eat, why, why , why, why, why, why......

i hate myself, i hate having to eat, i hate that we will drink and i will have to eat some eventually unless i want to throw up, and i hate the fact that i am gonna feel like shit while the other skinny girls get attention and i feel like the fat girl, i hate how unconfident i am gonna feel when we go out and they are all hotter, i hate the way i feel, i hate this, i hate it, i cannot stand it, why, why , why cant i do this for once, do one damn thing that is right for me, make a good change, why?

i hate all of this, i hate talking about it , thinking about it, and pretending i am ok, and most of all, i hate how bad of a spring break i am gonna have, and how i know i am gonna feel terrible in a few days, and how i will wish i had never eaten a day in my life while lying on the beach like a beached up whale.........