Dear Diary,

yeah, i haven't updated in a while i know, but i have some stuff to rant about and i really need to do it in here.

so basically, I have eben trying to do the whole diet thing, but recently though i've lost a few pounds, i have had to go eat with people especially like on Valentine's Day with my b/f. OK, so I am not like model thin ya know, but i am not a big fat chick by any means....I'm trying to get model thin, but it's gonna take a while ya know?!??

well, at the college i go to, there ARE no shortages of hot skinny girls, matter of factly, there are tons of drop-dead gorgrous thin girls at my school, and there are some hot guys but not nearly as many compared to the girls.

Here, a guy can go out with equally beautiful girls and actually oick between which one he gets along with the best, and still have a modelesque looking girlfriend ya know.

SO, anyway I'm just trying to establish that everyday i go to school basically feels like a fashion/model contest, but you have to learn to live with it ya know.

i'm doing what i can to be the best I can be, but in the meantime it;s hella motivation to go to school everyday.

BUT anyway, so Saturday afternoon, my boyfriend and i and his friend go to the basketball game and we sit in the seats next to the back eisle. well, lots of people walk by right behind us constantly cause its a high-traffic area. Well, clint proceeds to look at every girl thaty walks by, and i know he does this sometimes, but i was on alert about it this particualr day and he literally watched every female girl walk by. some of them were cute some were ugly, but he always looked whenewver someone walked by and if it was a guy he just turned back around but if it was a girl and she was cute he would watch her until she got close, and then watch her from behind as she waled by. i watched him do this out of the corner of my eye for the entire game, and it got so bad that, I was THISCLOSE to telling him'

"Why don't you just turn around so you can make sure and watch everyone walk by and you won't miss anyone?!?!?"

But right when i was fed up to say it, no one came by for a few minutes and i figured hed be shocked at my outrage as i was not mad before we got there and i wasn't showing any signs of being upset. SO i didn't say it but i wish i had cause it only got worse.

when we first started dating he was still thinking single-mindedly and he would cocmment on girls as they walked by and i cussed him out for that, and he has since stopped doing it but "does it count if hes stopped commenting out loud but still looks and comments in his head??"

I don't know if it does; it made me feel better for a while. The last straw was when we were in the mall and leaving in a rush to go somewhere when he drug me into a bookstore really quickly AS we were HOLDING HANDS to look and see who was on the cover of PLAYBOY as two guys were standing there! I was so embarrassed to be with my boyfriend who wanted to see who was on the cover of Playboy!??!? I was embarrassed and outraged and he didn't understand why i thought it was so adamantly rude!!! I was completely shocked that he would have the audacity to do something like that, and that was all he wanted to see as we were being late every second we wasted in that stupid store!! but it got better until last night

After the game, we then went out, but none of my girl friends were in town, and i was gonna call a girl I didn't know to well and see what she was doing as i wanted to go out and drink with girls, but i didn't cause i didn't want to impose, although i know she owuld loved me to come i'm sure.

So I went with my boyfriend and 4 of his guy friends. We went to the first bar and we had to sit by ourselves cause there was only enough room for the 4 guys in the other seat so we sat together. And we discussed how iut kinda sucked to be with your boyfriend/gfriend when you were out cause you aren't used to not trying to pick up guys/girls and it was weird, but how atleast when you got drunk and made out with someone it could be your oyfriend/gfriend, and not some random person..... THEN he proceeded to comment on how he would see hot girls on campus and think about how hot they were and how he would want to ytalk to talk to them if he could but he knows he cant. i was like ok, wtf?

i agreed and made a comment, but i don;t seriously do that. if i know i am taken, i don't look at other guys that much. i might look at them and be like, oh he's cute, but then I'll look away and go on with everything. he looks and looks and looks some more though! And then while we were in the bar he stared every hot girl down, and stared and stared!! They were all dressed really slutty and all and you know, and i just felt like throwing up! I wish i coulda been out with girls or something! Then when his friend came overto talk to us; they commented on some girl together, and i was ready to just leave. i immediately made up my mind to quit drinking so i could drive my car home that night instead of stay over with clint.

We finally left there and went to another bar, where we promptly ran into one of his old pretty and very drunk lab partners. They talked and he did introduce me as his girlfriend to the drunk girl, but i dont thought she caught that. We then went upstairs and i think his friend wanted to talk to the lab partner girl so we went to look for her back downstairs, and then she called clint?? all of a sudden? why was that girl calling him, we just talked to her?? he tried to call he back, and they couldn't hear, and he was trying to find out where she was for his friend brian, but we couldn't find her all night. BUT the question is, why was she calling him, and even more importantly why does she have his cell phone number???

so then, i have a great rest of the shitty night, and we decide to leave where we have the taxi ride from hell, and 4 slutty short skinny scantly clad talkative drunk freshman get in our taxi and have to squeeze in in the back of the where clint was. THEN more people get in, and one of them sits in his lap , and then starts introducing herself and asking him his name and talking up a storm with him while he proceeds to talk back. One of her friends was ahveing trouble staying in her long-distance relationhsip with her hschool boyfriend and people were telling her they were gonna cheat on each other, and he and brian began to console them and tell them he wouldn't etc, and i just sat there, and pretended to not be as insanely mad as i was.

At that point, i was dying to get back to my car and get the hell out of there!

So we finally got back, and i got in my car and rolled down my window to tell clint i was going home and he tried to persuade me, and by that time, i was so mad, i was just like nO. i wasn't even giving him an excuse, i was just like, ":no, i don't want to." sorry.": i don't think he understood that i was mad then, but then he has called me all day today and imed me etc, and i have ignored him so now he kinda guesses why i am mad although he doesn't count the game.

I just don't know if i can deal with this? And i am not ready to be in a serious relationship anyway. He wants to be so serious with me, but i can't deal with all this bullshit unless he wants to be with only me!!

And he says he thinks i am hot and beautiful and he is lucky to be with me, but WTF why r u checking out other girls 24/7?? I cannot deal with it but what should i do; should i break up with him or what??

I wish i was skinny already, cause then i would break up with him no matter what cause i would know i could get another guy ASAP. But right now, I still don't feel like i'm 100% hot ya know, and i know i should, but i do have low-self esteem for some reason. I try not too, but this damn ed and another stuff have made me do it to myself!

So anyway, clint wants to date me for forever and never break up, and i want to date some of these other hot guys and see what i think. i wanna date a bunch of cute guys and not get serious and pick between them ya know?? But clint wants to date me now and date for like years>?> And i am not through having fun yet ya know?? i still wanna date other guys, and clint will never leave!! He graduates a year before me, but he is going to try and get into graduate school here to stay here, and i will never get away!! So i am kinda thinking it would be better now then later, but he is inlove with me and it will devastate him,. But im not ready for a serious relationship, and i can't deal with all this looking at opther girls bullshit! If he wants to look that bad, he can just keep staring and hope they are interested cause i'm not sure i am anymore...

But there is one drawback....DAMN the sex is good, it is seriously SO SO good, and i don't know if i can let that go....shit i know thats a dumb reason, but what if i never find a guy like that again?? what will i do?? gosh this sucks...idk

i don't want to be in this serious of a relationship, but i want to have fun with clint. oh, idk

i just know i am pretty and guys do like me and i have never had a guys eye wander before in any of my relationships, so i shouldn't have to deal with it ya know.

oh, idk what i am gonna do; i'll update later, but if anyone has any advice please email or leave me a note cause i don't know what to do......