Dear Diary,

still fasting pretty much, i had some special K berries yesterday, but it was only like 150 cals. but thats about it

im on a mission this time....but its been so hard....

My b/f always wants to fuckin eat... I seriously question his eating habits too though. He's always like, I'm SO hungry, and then we go eat somewhere really nice, and he like eats like 3 bites and then says he is full!! Then he always gets a box; its SO freakin annoying!! cause usually whenever i do actually go eat with him; its cause i havent eaten out in a while, so im usually like looking forward to eating my food, but then i feel like a big fat pig gobbeling all my food down while he just sits there. It totally ruins my dinner. I can't eat a shitload more than him; it makes me feel so fat and piggish! But he always does it, so like last week, my parents came to my apt. and took me out to eat, and i should've invited Clint. I even think he thought i was gonna ask him, but i didn't, because I wanted to be able to enjoy at least one meal w/o judgement. I knew he'd pick at his food, while i ate everything in site, so i just didn't invite him, and i dont feel bad about it cause i ate a lot and my parents didn't care really.

But i wont be going out to eat anytime soon. Today is Superbowl Sunday, and really.....i feel like just going to sleep or something. I don't care about the game really; the commercials are fun, but idk. No one is really having any exciting parties, so i'm just like whatever.... But i know everyone will be watching it tonight. I need to go join the gym though. But im afraid some places might not be open, well im sure the gym will be, but still---no one will be there, and i dont feel like getting the 'she must not have a life to not be at some party watching the game' looks from anyone that is working there.

So, i might sign up tomorrow, since i only have 2 late afternoon classes.

So, let me tell you what clint and i did last night. lol.... we drank the other night and went glow-in-the-dark bowling, so we just wanted to stay in, but we ended up renting this porn tape and watching it. It wasn't even a good porn. But anyway, he stayed with me all weekend, and i was starting to freak cause i am one of those people that just HAS to have some alone time every now and then. But anyway, we had sex a total of 6 times yesterday. And thats a new record. LOL i know, i know.....T.M.I. But i just figured i'd share that cause its a new record and all. He was with me all weekend though, so it wasn't like we did it all at one time, but anyway......

But i dont know what to think... I like having sex with him, but damn i hate it at the same time. Especially after watchcing that porn. 2 of the girls were SO anorexic. Clint even commented that one looked anorexic. She pretty much was though, but instead of being like Eww...gross, i was envious. I mean, really---if you had a choice between grotesqely fat or grotesquely thin; which would you pick?? thiness totally, you can always gain some weight or juist stay skinny, but you cant really lose weight as easily, and you def dont need to gain if ur that fat. idk

I was just in awe of their bodies, and it just made my obsession get worse seeing everything, not to mention, even more self-conscious in bed. I know clint loves me no matter what, but I absolutely can't stand to be one of those girls whom there boyfriend loves despite their ugly fallbacks. I don't want him to love me and overlook my faults, i dont want to have any Freakin faults!!! i want to be the best i can be first, and then he can accept whatever he wants, but it makes it so much worse that he overlooks things. It makes me hate them so much worse. like I'm not good enough, but its ok. i don't want anyone to tell me its just ok. I want to be awesome or wonderful or great, more than just average or ok. I hate to be the girl with the pretty face who could be a model if she lost a ton of weight; i hate that. I don't get it a lot, (no one ever says the lose weight part when they tell me that) but i know they think it----theres no way they couldn't.... Or maybe they are really meaning Plus Model when they say that....lol who knows? i seriously hope not though

ok, i might go to the gym afterall cause my best friend and her new guy toy are going running, and she asked me if i had a sports bra she could borrow, and she asked me to come to. I said no, cause i cant run around with her and her guy. She's like super skinny now, and shes still very athletic, and i will not subject myself to that kind of personal ridicule; i'd rather go alone.

ok, shes about to get here and i guess i will write more later. Sorry about my pic not showing up; it will soon. I just upgraded to SuperGold on Diaryland, so it should all be fixed soon.

ttyl

think thin!~