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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

Memo/Fat or Thin It's all the same obsession./Fast
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003 // 11:25 A.M.

Dear Diary,

First day of my new fast

I am fasting for as long as possible sick or dead.........its all out war on fat.

I am sick of this and i cant take it. My new boyfriend commed the other day on how much weight my best friend has lost. She HAS lost at least 10-15 lbs for sure. But she was playing college basketball, and the coach MADE them work out and run like hell and lift weights, so she was bound to get in better shape, but the thing is......she hasn't gained it back since over summer and up until now, so yeah she looks great.

And it pisses me off so bad! Cause she and I are similar heights and builds.....she has natural more muscle than i do cause she was a gymnast all throughout her childhood, but we are both of medium build and not one of those stick girls who are just petitie in nature. We're both 5'8 and we have always been kinda similar; she was always a few sizes smaller than me, but nothing major, we swapped shoes and shirts etc....and a few skirts and pants here and there....

But now, i swear i think she could fit into a regular size 4, and definitely any brand size 5. Her waist is so tiny, and she looks great, although she lost some boobage, and she used to have quite a bit, and now they are kinda saggy and smaller. But still, she looks so small, skinny and tiny now and its so weird to see my best friend of 10 years look like that. AND then to have my b/friend comment after he had seen a pic of her on my wall AFTER we had just had sex made me want to crawl under a rock and just die!!!

I know he wasn't comparing, and just commenting, but STILL, it made me feel like a complete loser. And then another friend from highschool who was always like model beautiful and always skniny, started running college cross country cause she was always awesome at it. Now, she has lost weight and is skinnier than ever before too. WTF?!! I GET fatter and the skinny people keep getting skinnier!! What is this world coming to? They were already thin to begin with.

So, i am freaking out, and i am like fuck my body, no food!! but its so hard cause when i feel like absolute shit on the 4th or 5th day of a fast its so hard not to give in and just eat a little bit of food for energy cause there are things i HAVE to do, like go to class, walk 5 ft w/o passing out, and go to work etc....... BUT i just cant afford it, cause eating a little, adds to eating a little more, and more and more, and pretty soon you've just had a small binge. It's terrible. So what to do? Im just gonna try not to eat no mattern what, and if i feel shitty than i will just keep on going and i'll either pass out, throw up, or keep going, and im just gonna try the odds..........

Spring Break and summer is coming up, and i cleaned up my room the other day and you wouldn't believe it. I have like 4 or maybe 5 pairs of pants right now that i can actually go out of the house in. BUT I have over 38 pairs of different kinds of pants in my closet right now that i have never worn, or have worn and cant fit into anymore. I have the coolest clothes and i absolutely love fashion cause i have my own style, yet i cant even pick out what to wear to school anymore because i just have to go with what fits!! THIS IS WHATS DELUSIONAL?? To all the ana-haters; starving yourself, or throwing up whatever is perfectly normal compared to all the melodramatic delusions that come along with being overweight! You think about your appearance constantly, you wear ugly clothes just to make it in the real world, you do weird gestures like putting your hand on your thigh in the "right" way so it conceals the largeness of it, you avoid any conversation involving food, you are self-conscious throughout any meal that is socially involved wondering if people are watching how much you eat, you envy every thin girl that walks by, you convienantly love the long jacket that hides your butt and your problem areas, you avoid physical situations and activities, you obsess about clothing shopping and you always try to shop alone, you fear bathing suit season like a plague, and you cannot forget the most constant of them all.....the sucking in--oh--the sucking in......I seriously don't think I've stopped sucking in since the 6th grade......It becomes part of life when you do these things everyday. It alters your mind and just takes over, and as long as your fat, these things canotn and will never change. I'm sucking in as i write this, and i don't know why. No ONe is even around, and I am at work alone in my little office, yet i continue to worry for whom?? For myself, to hide what i am, because it hurts too much to see any kind of fat, for someone else? idk, idk........i just want the obsession to end? but does any obsession really ever end? I was born practically obsessing over my weight as soon as i knew it was important. I've been thinking about it 24/7 for almost 20 years; thats 7,000 days.......i'll never stop thinking about it completely, but all i can hope for is, that when i'm thin, some of the obsession will go away. And yeah they may be replaced by new obsessions, but hey---I'll take "gosh, i couldn't fit into my size 4's this week." Anyday over how I am now..........

And so I fast, and I give up everything for what i want, what i need.

AND whats so wrong with that??









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster