Dear Diary,

Yep, I am SO gonna fail my math final tommorrow. I've pretty much given up on things. I know I shouldn't, but i just can't play catch-up anymore and I've accepted the fact that I might fail or at most get a D which is worth 1.0 GPA credit points by the way....

It's my last final, and it is from an insane time of 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM, I mean, come on!! The whole school is gone for Christmas Break already and I have a final from 7-10 wtf?!? how can you study for something like that?!?

So anyway, I should be studying now, but thanks to a great shout-out from Gltr-Grl, I felt like I needed to make sure and get back on track w/my diaryland diary! I do miss reading everyones diaries, and I do need to write in here; it's theraputic, and very helpful I think.... Anyway, I have a new diet and buddy and she is awesome. we don't live close to each other, but we are so alike it's scary. i feel like she's telling my life story to me. Every time I get an email from her, it's like a deja vu' of my life! We always write this extremely long in depth emails, but it is fun, and I feel like we might actually help each other as buddies. I'm excited about it.

So, tommorrow I am starting a fast cause I want to be thinner by next semester. I mean, your grades start over, you get new classes, you meet new people, it's like a fresh start, and I wanna be thinner by then. I only have like 3 1/2 weeks til school starts back, but being just a little thinner would help, and I so can't deal w/this having a boyfriend thing, and having sex, and being fat like i am!! i mean, i don't look so grotesque, but i feel like so gross! I just can't stand to be like that, and I know I can't just stop all physical contact w/clint because i feel gross! So i have to do something about it, plus i want to be attractive to him too, cause he has such a hot body and I just don't wanna feel inferior and all.....Idk, i am just confused....i wanna fast, but i know i will have SO many obstacles, I mean it IS Christmas ya know?!? I have a party to go to this saturday where I have to wear a dress, and I don't know if i even have one i can fit into!! i wish I wouldn't do this to myself.

and to top things off, my plan for Scott backfired..... He regrets ever breaking up w/me last year and he wants me back more than life itself!! it's absolutely crazy, I didn't do anything, I didn't lose a ton of weight, only about 10 lbs, before i saw him, so i don't know what his deal is. But he's turned into this bubbeling pile of goo at my feet....lol He's practically drooling to be with me, and i don't understand it..... i didn't do anything different, i didn't go out of my way to act nice to him or anything, yet he says hes in total love w/me, but i am dating clint now, and i am trying to end things w/scott w/o having to tell him about Clint cause he hates him cause i broke up w/scott to date clint a few yrs ago.....

I finally told him i didn't think a long distance relationship would work, but i really don't think WE will ever work. I think the fact that we have broken up like 8 times is clue enough that we are NOT RIGHT for each other, and I'm tired of forcing old things and old feelings, but hes so vulnerable right now, and i couldn't tell him that. I had to op for the easier excuse....

clint and I are doing good though; he surprises me....he's a lot better about being assertive, and ohmygosh---the sex, i don't know what it is, maybe its cause hes pretty well endowed or something, but idk, its like better than anyone i've ever been with, and I've been around the block (not excessively) but ya know.....

i'm glad though....having sex MAKES you open up and lose some inhibition , cause you can't do that, and then be shy outside the bedroom.....but anyway enough about all that....

i am here to lose weight in 2003!! my diet buddy and I are calling this year "The Thin Year 2003" cause thats how we want it to be and how we want to remember it......

i have to do something, i am so unhappy.....i don't want to accept myself as i am now, not when i know i can do better, not when i know i can look so much more beautiful being thinnger...........

well, i have a ton more to say, but i think i better keep these entries short, cause they'll end up being way long....

heres some cool pics to look at until my next entry...

hope everyone is doing well, and getting some last minute Christmas Shopping in!!