Dear Diary,

OK, so I am OFFICIALLY STARTIING my long fast tomorrow.....I have been restricting since my totally binge-alcohol filled weekend of fun, and now it's time to get serious! 3 weeks and like 5 days until my EX Scott comes to visit me, and I gotta lose some weight before then, and I am basically ready to just get this diet show on the road for real. I'm so jealous cause some girls i knew from highschool have recently or (maybe always have been) anorexic and bulemic and I just found out. This girl that I graduated with who is like really gorgeous, but was always skinny, is like 98 lbs. now, and she's like 5'8, my height too! It's so unfair, yet very motivating!~ To think she had the ability to do it, and I cannot!~ wtf?

so, its definitely some added motivation. Plus, I'm so out of contorl with food now, I might as well just not eat because I can't control what I do if I choose to eat. My days consist of "Food/Binge Days" and "Non-Food Days" and thats it. I've never just ate something and not considered it one of those days or not.....But i hate food, it's destroying me, it drives me crazy and causes so many problems, I just wanna get away from it forever!

But really, it's about time for me to just go all the way and see what happens, and I think i am ready now, cause I'm just tired of it all....

PLus, school is stressing me out....I usually always go to class, but lately, I just can't bring myself to go for stupid reasons... And then missing class causes me to freak out and have anxiety about missing things or making bad grades etc...and then it's just a downward spiral from there..... I just don't feel like doing any-thing... Like right now for example, I have a HUGE math test, and I am so completely lost, that I feel like just giving up...but I can't afford to fail,and I know i need to try and do well....

But i just don't even feel like trying at all....I don't feel like making the effort-i just wanna get away from everything, and i don't really know why? I missed my 3-D art class the other day, and i coulda gone, but i was tired, and i wasted time until it was too late, and now I missed working on a really imortant project, and I don't know if I'll even be able to make it up.... But I needed an A in that class to keep my B-scholarship thing.. So why am I doing this to myself when I know better?!?? I just don't know.....

I can't lose my scholarship; my parents will absolutely KILL me, and I will feel like a failure for the rest of my life because I lost the scholarship!! It's not hard to keep if you somewhat try, and I kept it last year when most of my friends lost theirs....I just can't, but if i keep doing like i have; i surely will!

Ugh.....I don't know...I need to study...i need a miracle......

But eating and staying fat is definitely not going to help anything, so I need to lose weight and just get rid of food from my life; it takes up to much thought that I should be devoting to studying etc. Hmmmm....maybe I should just become a hermit and live in the library and do nothing but study and waste away.....ok, i know i'm being sarcastic, but it actually is a good idea for my current failing situation.... OK, well, writing in here is not helping me in either way really, so I'll update later. I still wanna talk some about this weekend cause some things happened between me and my guy friend Clint....(we used to date so--) ya know.... It's a long story that I'll have to get to later...

Oh, and 2-moro is Scott's 20th birthday!! I sent him a card and a small present, and I'm gonna call him tomorrow! He's gonna feel so guilty because he forgot mine during the summer(even though we didn't talk much then) but STILL!! I am still upset about that, and I'll never forgive him for it I don't think, but thats not gonna make me not wish him a happy b/day.....

Ok, well I'm gonna get ready for bed and then stay up for a LONG time and try my pathetic attempt at studying.....

This is my AIM away message; it's so cute, and so fitting for the situation:

~Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk. But if I do, don't pitty me at all, Just lay my bones out in the hall. Tell my prof I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest, And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take!~