Dear Diary,

hey,

I am such crap. I did the usual "binge and eat to feel better after a drunken night." I didn't even feel that bad, but I thought i was gonna have to eat with my friend that day so I went ahead and ate, and then ya know it went on and on. I seriously suck. I hate screwing up. I hate eating. I have this problem now, that I can't even eat and not feel guilty. I mean, as soon as I eat, no matter if it's a normal meal or what, I instantly feel like complete shit. I feel so guilty, and am so overly critical of myself. It's like an instant self-esteem bust. I might look awesome and feel pretty self-confident and happy, but as soon as I eat a meal--BAM!! I am the ugliest fattest stupidest girl in the world and I have just gained like 10 more lbs by eating one meal!! And it's weird cause I seriously feel like that now. I associate food w/ugly and terrible. I don't even think I can hardly restrict anymore because that counts as food.... and food is bad. I did actually feel more self-confident when i was fasting cause it was like I was on my way, and I was actually doing something about my weight and all. But if I eat ANYTHING at ANY time in the day, I am instantly self-conscious and terrible for the rest of the day, and I am in a hurry to get it over with so I can start back again tommorrow...

It's a terrible way to be. Food shouldn't have that much of a psychological effect over me, but it does. I don't care though, I just have to not eat, or not eat enough to really count to make me feel like such shit.. I hate this dilemia though.

I wanna fast, but it makes me tired. I wanna go out and have fun, but that involves eating. Why-oh why can't I have a normal life w/o food?!?! I think I'm gonna try and not eat this whole week, and just deal with it if we go out, and just drink.... Sure, I'm probably gonna be sick, but hey-is that so bad? At least I'll have an excuse for why I can't go out or eat w/everyone for the rest of the weekend.

Thats my problem; the weekends. I can do perfect duringt the week, but boredom, and going out on the weekends cause me to self-destruct. But I can't give up going out... So whats a gal to do??!? I seriously don't know. I'll just try to be really busy, not eat, and drink anyway. Sure, the drinking thing is gonna be bad, but what the hell, i don't think i care much about health anymore. It's all about the numbers on the scale, and I'm tired of seeing them go up and down, up and down,.... I just want to see them go down and not ever come back up!!

I can't wait to fast tommorrow though. I enjoy it- besides the feeling like shit part. I feel powerful for being able to do it, but then sometimes I see all these anorexic celebs now, and I'm like SHit! they do it ALL the time...!! I suck at this!! They have a very busy life and career yet they do not eat and lose and look great. So what the hell am I doing?

Seriously though, You have got to have noticed all the too-thin celebs out there. They are all anorexic now. No one wants to come out and say it "clincally" or "medically", but when a celeb talks about how little they eat or how much they exercise--DUH--thats ANOREXIA!! Just because so-&-so is a HUGE star and is supposedto be thin, doesn't mean they don't have the disease! It's annoying, yet I don't care cause it just fuels me, but i do feel sorry for the unsuspecting girls who are just now noticing and trying to find out what ana's all about.... Seriously, though, check out this months Cosmo, and look at Jennifer Anniston now. Damn, she is seriously anorexic; it's so fuckin obvious! But they won't make those comments about her because it is harmful for her career. So, basically, it's OK to talk about your miniscule diet, and your insane workout schedule, but if you eat at least 1000 calories then your not "really" anorexic; your just an in shape celeb w/a small frame. Yeah, right.. I think it's retarded for them to think they're not really anorexic, but whatever.... I embrace this lifestyle, so I don't care what they do. They just provide more motivation and thinspirational pics for me...

But I do know they'll be a H-U-G-E increase in Anorexia in girls in the next few years--no doubt about that! Especially since the media talks about it so much, even if in a negative way.. It still makes the news and is in everyone's face. So, if you haven't ever thought about being any kind of anorexic--I'm sure most of america's female population is thinking about it by now. Putting it on the news just increases it's potential danger and growth. I LUV to hear stats about former/current anorexic celebs etc. It gives me more tips and tricks and things to think about and try.

Anyway, I am getting tired, and I am ready to start tommorrow anew! I kinda came down with a slight cold from the other day, so I am kinda sleepy from my medicine. But i know tommorrow will be the start of a good week. I'm gonna do so much better on my fast. I just hope I can get through the weekend somehow. Those damn 3 days are just so harmful!! oh, well, i don't feel like ranting anymore...

TTYL~ Goodnight ;)